artificial sadness

for most of the time after the old teenage me, i was hardly truly sad.

yet sadness inspires me more.  it opens up my mind!  it shows me that impossibility is just a state of mind.  personal sadness has always been a precursor for far better concepts, ideas and creativity in entrepreneurship and the arts.

im so addicted to this cycle that im purposely manufacturing artificial sadness because real sadness seemed to be a remote possibility.  like polystyrenes to organics!hehe  i purposely find something nga “ipukol sa ulo ko” when things are just levelling out to stir up my emotions.  to be more creative!  yet im such a dickhead to think of this.  my mind is trying to control how should i feel by doing this.  but it seemed impossible, the heart has a mind of its own as i learned.

i should be really sad now.  i just noticed, i wrote “i should be sad” instead of “im really sad”.  how can this foolish smile be out of my face.  i have the right situation to be sad but im not!  maybe i’ll prick my eye corners for me to be purposely in tears..hehehe  i have to be sad.  i have a lot planned this year or am i really destined to be a smiling positivist fool?

“what the heck!”, stop this foolishness rj.  are you trying to convince yourself again?  hala! am i trying to talk to myself..whahahaha

exchanging notes

“am i ready for this stage?”, i asked.

for the past years i haven’t purposely grown any of my project in lieu of adding a new and exciting one!  i have a collection of projects now which are all earning yet not in the maximum earning capacities.  when i use IMs i frequently chat with this seasoned entrepreneur, mr. romy miranda.  a finalist of the international bid challenge 2008 at the netherlands (look up http://www.bidnetwork.org/artefact-44922-en.html for more details) eventhough he says that he is just “exchanging notes” i am very thankful for being the influence to dream of bigger things in a far more different perspective.  thank you sir miong!

he gave information on the international challenges which he plans to join and encouraged me to join the same.  at first, i was placing it on the back of my mind even behind the artificial problems i create (laughs).  but his perseverance of just “sharing notes”, made me think otherwise.  i was intently taking interest on the following competitions he shared over some time:

http://www.theworldchallenge.co.uk -sponsored by shell and bbc world

http://www.bidchallenge.com/ - the competition that brought him to europein 2007

http://www.greenchallenge.info/ - a competition to encourage the development of green inventions

im thinking of developing the literature of my accumosaic project (www.accumosaic.com) for the bbc world challenge and maybe my hovercraft dreams for the picnic green challenge.  i’ll choose from my other projects what would be appropriate for the bidchallenge.  but i may need help.  my guerilla one-man-army style might not work on this anymore.  im counting on my friends.

reflecting on football

asian football confederation challenge cup will be held in the philippines tommorow, may 13, 15 and 17!  four countries will bye for qualification in the afc finals which is a higher qualification tourney for the fifa world cup.  this event will be held simultaneously in barotac nuevo, the football capital of the philippines and the iloilo sports complex.  team philippines will be composed of 7 phil-foreigners, 8 players from our town and other players from different parts of the philippines.

yesterday i was sitting on the enclosed football ground together with the event organizers which are reknowned national players of their time.  we were on the goal post together with the imported accesories of offside flags while the sri lankan match commisioner was checking the accuracy of lengths.

again, im placing drama in my simple life while observing the proceedings.  i was there because i supplied the water in the national training center coz they trust my product even if its costly.  they also asked helped if we could provide satellite tv services in the training center so that the players wont sleep after the practice hours of 6am-8am and 4pm to 6pm so they’ll have faster reflexes.  they also asked helped for the cantenna and wifi connection for the press people and more importantly to the match commisioners for timely reporting in the afc setted control standards.  they seem to ask help sincerely for i know that help is very much needed.

they were intellectualizing football while sitting on the perm ground (3.2M budget for 6 games) and eventhough they would respect my views, i cant utter a word.  i was reflecting why i havent played this game competitively.  i know i have the genes.  i have realatives which are national football player of the year awardee.  i have the physical attributes then.  i was 5′10″ at 12.  i may be strong in the intellectual part of it which i guess is more important when you have the technical knowledge and proper training.  i also love the game.

it dawned to me with sadness that i cant go home past 6pm (or before the church bell rings) so i often leave the field when classmates and friends stayed until 7pm and play like crazy.  ofcourse competition is high!  our school wins in the national tourneys up to now!  i even have several classmates brought to europe when they were 9 for grassroots exposure and they win againsts europeans in those tournaments (which is a seeming imposibility now).  i was narcistic of my feet at that time.  bisan sub lang tani if gnaalow ko i would be happy!

i was not even bought a football spike shoes that my feet was hurting when i get stepped on by the cletes of friends.  perhaps this was the early turning point of entrepreneurship in my life.  i made business to buy shoes at that time.  i realized that i dont want to be controlled of what i would love to do because of financial constraints (i was 9 at that time)! at that time i talked to relatives in the fields with watermelon produce and asked if they would allow me to get the produce and pay them 15 days after.  i was selling watermelons in the publica market.  i was buying it at 4 on credit and i sell it at 25 during the hot cuaresma season.  it was a happy thought and i bought the spikes and shin guards too!

but i hoped i played still even up to HS lang.  i would have had the typical football players body.  but il start doing rounds in the field after this competition ends.  im curious if my perseverance on not loosing would still work on this.  dream on boy!whahhaha