superficiality

i was reflecting last week.  i seem to act with urgency, drama and excitement on just simple eventualities of my life!  eventualities of not so real stuff compared to shaking problems of a typical human being.  i act as if it was a world of problems when real people’s problems is a kaleidoscope of sorts!  real problems of family life, finances, relationships, mindsets, failures, challenges and even dreams that are far beyond my ka-OAhan complications!

i felt that i am so loved by the lord.  wala man ko sang real problems gid of that magnitude.  i only have conceptual problems that i create, maybe to excite me and maybe to solve most-likely problems of the future (imagine sa future pa)!hahaha in short, binuang lang!hahaha here are some:

i felt na i can’t decide to commit on marriage now because i don’t want to have a family life like most people.  sa survey, 84% of families has either or both parents having extra marital affairs (and i bet its far higher that stat since damo man hindi manugid or madakpan).  ofcourse it is a kaleidoscope of reasons.  things from a nagging wife, a less earning breadwinner, a poor connect on the level of conversations, a “libog” of sorts to physical attractiveness, an obsession for material things and a lot of other stuff.

things that i slowly and tried to continually solve now to have none of these issues affect any of my kids when they grow up.  to have a perfect childhood!  solutions that are too simple and weird to do.  i know na hindi na ko madala subong sang physically attractive chic since i’ve realized years before that beauty and sexiness is just superficial.  things i learned from dating beautiful women.  after mag-edad ano?hehehe ofcourse, kasimple sang sabat.  you shouldn’t sell your whole life with a superficial beautiful gal since in your 40s it is just a 10,000 peso experience to have a 20 year old super gorgeous and clean chic!  just joking with common logic!  i have created conceptual problems of these sorts earlier in life pero i try to not go overboard to make it a future learning and not a present problem..hehehe

if kami ni crystal, i know na hindi issue ang meeting a much more intelligent chic to share ideas and life with since honestly when we were a couple i never met someone more intellectually exciting than her!  hindi man issue ang wealth potentials (i guess these type of issues drives most family problems) since we both acknowledge that wealth is just a state of mind.  people don’t have financial flexibilty because their minds are closed.  so in a physical, intellectual and wealth potential sense i know that these issues are already solved by creating conceptual (but not so real) problems that may have hurt both of us in some way.  but to not bring a tear to our future kids!

my fear is what if i’d like someone for “no reason”?  someone inferior in a finger-counting sense but defies reason.  someone i can’t label as just beautiful, just intelligent and just wealthy to kill off interest.  someone i just like without thinking!  i know the answer to these as i knew the answer to being drawn physically to people years before, but these can be only solved by being in the situation and not as a 3rd-party reader of self-help books!  i know that feelings are “fickle”.  daw “tigbaw nga ginadapya sang amihan”.  pero i won’t know until i cross the bridge.  what if love is really risking (not placing into consideration being a part of the 84%) just to be personally elated at that instant?  pero daw sala, daw ka selfish.hehehe pero hindi ko kabalo.

i guess it is still best to solve these issues before marriage (i guess it is the primary purpose of having a pre-marriage relationship).  in a philippine societal setting, i guess women rush to marriage when they have physical contact with the one they have present relationships.  it is not that they are ready for the long-haul but its because of a security need.  so i guess its part of the reason why it is a high 84%++ ( i would even bet that its 95% if gasugid lang tanan maayo..hehehe daw laka gd man families ko na kilala na la prob..hehehe).  ginapilit ta lang neglect ang reality because we are cataracted with the feeling of love.  if you noticed, puro lang “ako” dire ang may issue.hehehe  i trust crystal morethan i trust myself.  she is the only person i know who is a well made and a strong person that is less affected by these ka-OAhan stuff..hehe  maybe because of being truly near to the lord.

pero again, nahuya ko sang gnapang-sulat ko.  it is not even comparable to real problems of people.  it’s a future issue i’m trying to solve now.  and it looks superficial.  and i may look like a paranoid.  pero it’s also the same superficial way i handle my businesses that’s why i haven’t failed so far.  again, i wish that my choice is right!hehehe

silvercoating!

what do we treasure about our love one that is beyond compare (or to rephrase that can not be compared)?  sige na gani! in kanto boy terms, “paano mo mapamatud-an nga wala mo ginagamit lang ang imo karelasyon?”
as i noticed most people choose their partner based on physical appearance and attractiveness.  by the time their bodies get bloated (a usual occurence in pregnancy and going to beer junkies) a different assumption of the situation is taken in. when people primarily treasure their partner because of sex(iness) and displayability (what a word!), then the 84% probability that atleast one of the partners is cheating is holding ground (on average 60% of people do, so its a combined 84% probabability that atleast one seriously cheats in a lifetime while presenting a smile to their kids when going home..hehehe).  so enough with the physical comparisons because our only body depreciates and the insatiability of wants only increases.  that’s morethan common sense!hehehe

some people choose their partner primarily on intellect.  this is less of a deteriorating facet.  if you found a superbly intellectual partner, its less likely you’ll find a more intelligent one (because finding a sexier choice is easier..hehehe) but it is also inevitable that people are only getting smarter. so as to shaken this choice, when a new intelligent human being just presents itself from mere social probabilities.hehehe

on wealth, their are families broken because one partner became broke!  also, some expectations on earning potential is not met. their is also a risk that a chosen partner has a disastrous spending problem which might again rock the boat when things get rough or a better choice promote itself.  people are oftentimes blinded by money (infact the secret of successful individuals is to always choose ideas before money)

there is always a wealthier person, a sexier person, a more intelligent person and other comparisons which can be presented in a more dramatic superlative adjective.hehehe people who never consider this possibility will ofcourse blindly fall to its trap.  i guess not morethan 90% could say they had not used this simple parameters on choosing the one they have now..  i wanted to hear things that may sound “weird”.  something distinct you like in a person that is beyond compare but will be of no value to most people.  what’s valuable to you (which you can exchange to all of the above parameters) that’s actually of no real value?

a cynic view, are we just silver coating on the word “love”, a real need to “use” people if we value them on intellect, wealth or physical attraction?  can their be “love” minus the “use”?

just joking, after your valentine spending rituals!

fearfully excited!

for the past days i was afraid and excited!

i was afraid that i can’t handle this oppurtunity that god beyond comprehension allowed me to have and i was excited that this might just be the oppurtunity that god provided to me to afford a decent family life.  this oppurtunity is sm prime holdings approval of my 4-year on process concept profile!  a satellite tv office inside sm malls.  im afraid that i can’t handle the 10,000 subscribers of panay and the 400 or so being added each month.  im afraid that i can’t handle the financial requirements of the subscriptions (10,000 x 690 subscription/month) is 6.9M.  AccuDish will earn 10% from that. because of the amazement of dream satellite tv’s top execs of our company breaking into the sm mall fortress that had been eluding them for years (for non provincial residing people, this is the best biz site in a provincial setting) they offered us from 4,000 margin per new installation at a minimum.  an out of sm dealership can handle 100 new subscriptions a month at 2000 margin per new installation.  i’m realistically expecting at least this number when the ship runs calm.  and mind that each time we service non-warrantied subscribers from other dealers we could charge 1,000 at a minimum.  im expecting 10% of the market on the minimum, 60% on the maximum and a likely 25-30% on the average.

the above paragraph is my fear.  i fear that i have most of the pieces of this puzzle. i have time and tested experience on satellite systems (even on hacking the firmwares), i have a long-trained experienced core staff for this, i have the support of dream’s top execs because of amazement, i have the support of sm prime because of our accumosaic concept and being bullish, brilliant in a product innovation sense and young! as of now, i have only the amount to support 1 day of inventory requirement and initial development of site.  even if dream would provide me beyond comprehensible credit lines because of long relationships and track record, i am very fearful!

now, where’s the excitement part? i was excited to tell her after that intro that maybe this is the thing that could help us afford to have a decent family life. a respectable duty for our future kids and the likes.  but i was dismayed the past week, it can’t even reach to the above paragraphs.  she says “dali lang, busy gd.” and then cuts. that’s 12mn! i know that sgv is that squeezingly efficient with their personnel so i understood continously.  but as the days past by all of my positivist thoughts are slowly loosing morale.  so this evening i forced the issue and told her my piece.  we ended up arguing about time and attention because she would want the topic cutted as fast as possible (maybe because of work pressure that i still understand). i never had the chance to tell her how excited i am to start a family with her.  well maybe its not meant to be.  i’m sad.  but i never have the guilt feelings.  i never felt i did anything wrong.  unlike the previous instances where i’m fabricating problems because i may have been more interested with business, some women or some other stuff. 

i still respect her. this is the consequence of loving a successful person.  but all i wanted was for her to listen without arguing about petty things for 10 minutes to maybe feel happier amidst pressure cooker situations! just listen and nothing else! am i too selfish to continually call for 20 or more times the previous week for a solemn 10 minutes?

daw kasala.